Well, I’m here again.  Funny how often I come here. Ha-ha. So now I have time to look over my body. See what has changed since last time.   

Oh look, I still have a double chin. Maybe if I hold it in a little it will become less.

Um. No, I have to breathe…

Hmm. My tummy still is flabby.

What happened to those positive affirmations? Oh yeah. I love myself.  I love even the imperfect parts of my body, they are so perfect and I love me. Right and I SOOO love myself. I just wish I didn’t wiggle and jiggle so much…Interesting how some of my body parts are just weird.

Like the vein that has just popped up on my thigh. That is just strange. Or the strawberry birthmark that I have.  How many people on earth have a strawberry birthmark on their bodies? Both in shape and in color?

And my belly button. I know some people have innies and some have outies but mine is just a hole. What does that even mean? Does it mean I’m an innie? Or an outie? Maybe a gigantic volcano exploded on my stomach billions of years ago leaving a vast and empty hole….

I wish I could get rid of the weird pigmentation on my back. It gets annoying explaining to everyone that “No, my husband doesn’t beat me, it just looks like it.” Thank God the balaniot here know me and I don’t have to go through that every single month…maybe I can get it lasered off…. Ummm but I keep hearing about cancer and laser. Maybe I’ll just wait. Or I could just tell people that I’m really from another planet…ha-ha. If they only knew…

Do other people have such things on their backs as well? Am I the only one in the entire world with such an anomaly? 

Be focused! Start on your stomach!! Truthfully, I’d rather not….

Why do I have such a flabby stomach? Wouldn’t it be great to just snap my fingers and have the flab removed and turned into a toned sexy stomach? 

Let me try it… snap snap. Nope. My hands, look at my hands. I wish my hands were slender like a pianist’s. Maybe if I had pianist fingers, I might actually play the piano. Instead, they are built like pyramids. Oofff, my nail! What happened? I had 9 perfect nails and I bit them off. Why do I keep doing that??

Focus!!! Do your hair. Sigh.

Why does so much hair come off me? Maybe I have cancer (pffft pffft pffft). You don’t have cancer!!! You have a lot of hair.  Maybe it’s not cancer but some rare genetic disease. Am I the only person who can make a wig from all the hair that comes out? I’m not the only person who has sat here, and everyone has hair that comes out… so I’m literally sitting in a hairball of other people’s hair…ewww.

 Gross. Stop it! They clean the place. You can’t see other people’s hair! It’s just my imagination!

Focus!!!! Move on!!!

Ugh. A piece of hair is trapped between my breasts. Did they always jiggle so much? I can’t remember. Maybe its menopause. 

Am I going to continue going to the mikveh after I’m finished getting my period…. hmm maybe… wait check that I don’t have cancer, and oh yea, my scar is still there. Fun.

 I am just going to ease into the tub and relax, maybe. And let go of all these hang-ups. 

Oh my what a splash that was! Now there is water on the floor, and the splash that I made had a very distinct ‘Me” sound to it.  Does the lady in the next room know that it is me? Can she identify that it is me  because of the distinct splash that I made? Maybe I should be listening to her distinct splash and try to identify who she is….

 Who cares? I’m here, she’s here. We’re both here. So what? Why the secrecy?  Still, I don’t want my “splash” to give me away…

Maybe I should just call the balanit and tell her I’m ready…but then the lady in the next room will hear my voice and know for sure who it is. 
I wish they had Netflix in the preparation rooms, with sound-proof spaces, so no one can hear what I am watching.

Why aren’t cell phones waterproof?

Who chooses the music for the mikveh? And why doesn’t anyone play Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer”? because that is what I feel like sometimes.  Or “Stairway to Heaven” because that is where I want to end up?

Ha-ha wouldn’t it be funny if they played “…and I’m too sexy for this song”? That would be funny.

Wow the water has turned cold… Did I forget to do anything?

I remember one time I heard this woman say how we shouldn’t forget to wash behind our legs- right above the ankle bone. Did I do that?

Nooo, I just found another hair. It’s not possible, I checked there already. At this rate I’m going to be here forever.

Be focused!


…Do we have enough bread for tomorrow?

I guess I’ll have to go out and buy some.

…wouldn’t it be great to have a housekeeper?

…wouldn’t it be great to go find a deserted beach and drink daiquiri all day long?

…wow. I’ve been here for almost an hour.

…ok move it along.

…till next time, I guess. Ha-ha see you in a month….

… I think we don’t have any cheese either…

…wow. Look at the time.

I’m outta here.

Wait. Is that another hair?? I’m not looking. I didn’t see it. I’m totally not looking.

“Slicha ani moohchana”