I don’t like going to the Mikveh. 

It’s hard for me, but I go. 

And when I go I feel like I’m supposed to feel “something” but usually I feel nothing. 

My husband feels reborn, rejuvenated etc. I feel nothing. Still I go, every month. 

And me going every month makes me flipping wonder woman. I mean forget about Gal Gadot baby! Not only that — my going every month proves to me that I am a responsible, honest, G-d fearing person who is able to give of herself to something greater and more powerful than myself and that makes me flipping awesome. And I can live with being flipping awesome! 

When I dunk I have within me the powers of the past and I hold the keys to the future. When I went to the mikveh 22 years ago, I conceived a child, a girl, and I have directly influenced the baby that she, my daughter, now carries in her womb. Just like she, in  turn, will influence her future children and her grandchildren. This makes me an important link that connects both the past and present. 

I can live with that. 

Going to the mikveh means a change in status, from forbidden to allowed, from impure to pure, from non Jewish to Jewish. This changing of status means that I am also a vehicle of change in this great adventure called life. The preparation I have to do in the run up for this change in status also forces me once a month to concentrate and focus on the most important person in my life. Me! Once a month I am forced to relax and take care of me. I’m ok with that, because I need it, and frankly, I deserve it! 

All that I have written doesn’t doesn’t make me feel euphoric about mikveh. It is – still -really hard for me. But at least I can now give an answer to myself why I do what I do and what it gives me. And, hopefully, this can also help other who also find it difficult!