Deep breath. Ok, made it. It’s over. Another one down. Ok, out of the water, pat-pat-pat, throw the towel down folded up, don’t look. Clothes on without looking, keep eyes straight ahead as you put your socks on. Check. So far so good. Now the tricky part getting the mascara on without looking at your eyes, blink so it gets everywhere so no shailos later. Getting good at putting on lip liner while keeping your eyes focused on anything but your lips. You’re almost there. Almost safe. Ok, throw on the tichel.
Oh my G-d! no….no, please no!! is that a hair? Shoot. Did that just come out of my snood? Was it there before? It couldn’t have been. I was so careful to run my hands through my hair. And the mikva lady checked me. Did it come on me in the water? Eww. Oh my gosh. What do I do now? Should I just call her back and toivel again. I can’t do this. I can’t deal with this. I can’t go home with this pit of fear. She’s gonna think I’m crazy. Fair enough. I am crazy. What am I gonna do? Take all my makeup off again and start again. STOP! You know this is not a problem! She CHECKED you! But you know she didn’t really look well and who says the hair didn’t fall off as I was going into the water? I can’t ask her again. She’s gonna think I’m nuts. You need to stop. Remember even Eliana told you that loose hairs are not a chatzitza and she’s more OCD than you. Yeah, but was she just saying that was the psak she got that particular time or is that always? Shoot, I can’t remember the whole conversation. Wait, what did she say….Umm you don’t really have time to relive this conversation you need to make a decision here.
Ok, I choose to be normal. This hair could not have been there when I dunked. OMG, is that even worse? Did it just fall off now? I can’t do this. Ok, I think even if it did it’s not a chatzitza. Do I get to make that decision. Please help me. I can’t do this.
Ok, you are going home now and you are going to act like the normal person that you are not. You are going to reunite with your husband because it’s been a long time and you’ve missed each other and you are NOT going to let this meshigas (craziness) spoil this again. It’s a hair. It’s fine. You don’t know when it came off. You don’t even know if it’s from the snood. You don’t even know if hair is a problem. Be NORMAL.
Ok, I can do this. So normal, that’s me. Normal, normal, normal.
Hi honey. Missed you.
Missed you too.
(I can’t do this. My heart is beating like crazy. What happened to normal?)
What’s the matter?
Nothing, I’m good.
What is it this time?
OMG, I can’t. I so badly didn’t want to do this to you. But I can’t handle this. A hair. On my shoulder. I don’t know. I really don’t think it’s a problem but I can’t.. did we have this once before? I can’t remember. What should we do? We can’t call anyone this late. I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I do this. I can’t help it. I’m trying to hard to be normal but like the tingling terror up and down my arms. I just can’t. What are we gonna do?
I’m pretty sure I remember learning it’s not a problem.
So you think we’re ok?
At this point all I want is for this evening to be over. Because I know for sure that if I call and ask tomorrow for sure it will be ok. Because I for sure remember that after the fact as long as it’s not something you’d be embarrassed to go out with then it’s not considered a chatzitza. Ok, I’m gonna try so hard to be present. Can we just get this over with?
Can’t sleep. Need to ask a shaila. Maybe I’ll google it tomorrow. Doesn’t really talk about that in the Rabbi Eider book. You’re ok. You’re really ok. Wrap the blanket tighter. It helps with the terror feeling up and down your arms. You’re ok. You didn’t do anything wrong here. Good night.
Good morning.. I think I’m ok. Not sure, but I think.
Hi honey, I just wanted to let you know. I spoke to my chavrusa and it’s totally not a problem.
Body limp with relief.
Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I appreciate that.
Exhale the breath I didn’t know I was holding.
Until next time.