As we all know, life has drastically changed in many ways for those of us living in Israel. Since October 7, we have learned a “new normal” where attending funerals and shivas of young people, volunteering in agriculture and various industries, has all become etched in the fabric of our daily lives. We are learning to navigate a world where we are not sure what tomorrow will bring. In all these adjustments, we have learned how strong and united we are as a nation. However, in the process, some of us have mistakenly relinquished our legitimacy to grieve our personal losses.

What does that mean?

Before October 7th, as a certified birth doula and trauma-informed grief educator, I provided one-on-one support to women and couples who suffered miscarriage, stillbirth, early infant loss, and fertility struggles. On October 8, my appointment calendar was empty. Everyone was focused on the national grief and felt their personal challenges were insignificant compared to what we, as a nation, were going through.

In an effort to contribute to the support system for the national grief we were all feeling, Jodi Stender (a certified nurse midwife and my partner at JRSidebyside) and I sprang into action, providing weekly free Zoom sessions for pregnant and postpartum women whose angst and uncertainty surrounding the war were clearly exacerbated by their pregnancy and postpartum hormones. These sessions provided a safe space for women to share their concerns, offering coping skills, validation for their emotions, and updates on Jerusalem’s labor and delivery rooms. The well-attended sessions fostered continued support for many participants.

As the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months, and the country was creating the “new normal,” I realized it was time to go back to supporting the families  around their personal grief related to early infant loss, miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility. But the women/couples were very slow to return. When contacted, they all stated they feel selfish focusing on their “minimal loss” while the country is going through so much loss and pain. Wow. In the face of our national grief, the families did not feel they deserved to grieve their personal losses.

Let’s unpack this, because we all need to understand and help our family, friends, and community realize that what we are going through as a nation—the loss of a sense of security, the loss of our soldiers’ lives, the displacement of thousands of our countrymen from their homes, as a few examples—this is all national grief. A grief we all share to different degrees, but we are all affected. Personal grief, on the other hand, is our own experience of loss, be it the loss of a loved pet, the loss of a job, the loss of a home, or the loss of a loved one. All that is our personal grief, a grief that we feel even while we are feeling national grief. We have the capacity to feel both; we just have to allow ourselves the space and permission to feel our personal losses.

Add to this equation that perinatal losses—miscarriage, stillbirth, and early infant loss—are losses that are not acknowledged with public kvurah (burial), shiva, and shloshim (30 days in mourning), giving a silent message that the loss was not “real” and “you should not be grieving; rather, you should pick up your big girl pants and move on.” Many women report hearing from loved ones, “You are young; you will get pregnant again” or “You know you can get pregnant again” or “You lost a pregnancy, not a baby.” All these statements invalidate the magnitude of the pain and grief the woman/couple is feeling and, more so, tell them they should NOT be feeling bad because they did not lose a baby. But they did lose a baby. As soon as a couple knows they are pregnant, they are planning/dreaming of their life as a family including that child. And when the baby dies in utero or early at birth, their dreams are shattered; they lost their baby, they lost their dream.

Since October 7th, the delivery rooms in all the hospitals continue to be busy. Unfortunately, women are continuing to have miscarriages, stillbirths, early infant deaths, and continue to struggle with infertility as well. Life continues, and the need to support these families through their losses also continues even in the face of national grief.

To the women/couples who have suffered the loss of your precious baby, I hope you find the love and strength to get the support you need to allow yourself the space for personal grief while we are all in national grief.


Roz Goldberg is a certified birth doula and trauma-informed grief educator. She is the cofounder of JR SidebySide, which offers support for women and couples throughout their pregnancy and childbirth journeys, as well as supporting those who have suffered miscarriage, stillbirth, early infant loss, or are experiencing fertility struggles. She can be found on Facebook: jrsidebyside and Instagram: jr_sidebyside