This is the third in a series by Jodi Wachspress on men’s sexual dysfunction.  For more, read here and here.

Rapid Ejaculation? What is that? Doesn’t she mean PREMATURE ejaculation? No, actually the term premature ejaculation is a thing of the past, and for a very good reason too.

When we are talking about sex and sexuality, there is so much to be said for staying away from black and white definitions. There is a reason that the well-known author E.L. James gave her best-selling book the title “50 Shades of Grey”. We are living in a world of greys. While at times, we may feel that the idea of individuality minimizes the innate need human beings have to belong and affiliate themselves with a group of like-minded people, recognizing that all things are relative is an important concept.

Utilizing the term premature ejaculation (PE) is dependent on our ability to determine the exact time period where ejaculation is socially/medically/psychologically acceptable. When is it too soon and when is it, not soon enough (sometimes called retarded ejaculation)?

Perceived rapid ejaculation means that either the male or the female partner feels that things are going more quickly than they would like, that ejaculation is happening either before penetration or soon thereafter, pre-empting or significantly diminishing sexual satisfaction for one or both partners.  

You may have noticed, that my definition is not one that you can pinpoint and say “AH! This is rapid ejaculation,” and you are right. Rapid ejaculation (RE) is relative to the experience of both partners, and, likewise, the treatment of RE will be tailored to the particulars in each specific case.

RE is categorized as a sexual arousal disorder; something in the arousal stages of a sexual experience has gone awry. As I mentioned above, this can be the result of a number of things, most commonly based on psychological and social expectations. It is imperative to appreciate the range of normal when it comes to the timing of ejaculation. RE is categorized as premature, when ejaculation occurs either before or within one minute of vaginal penetration, on a regular basis, and causes significant distress to either one or both of the partners.  

Often, young couples who are just beginning their sexual lives together, experience what they may consider rapid ejaculation. It is very common for young men who are in the early stages of a sexual relationship to experience rapid ejaculation for one reason alone: they are new to this, they are easily excited both physically and emotionally. It frequently takes some time for a young man to learn how his body and emotional mind work together in the sexual arena. Like all things, sexual intimacy exists on a learning curve. This is completely normal and should be emphasized by both the chatan and kallah teachers ensuring that the couple understands that learning one’s self and one’s partner sexually is a process, one that can be exciting and enjoyable while possibly a bit confusing at the same time.

The treatment for rapid ejaculation begins with self-understanding, curiousity, patience and plenty of self-compassion sprinkled in. Take the opportunity to understand that there is a “range of normal” in sexual activity and give yourself the permission to exist on this spectrum. Very often this is all that is needed to help in overcoming the challenge. Using some mindfulness and awareness of the stimuli that trigger you, you can begin to slow down your experience.

If you find that you or your partner fall under the stricter definition of rapid or premature ejaculation, it is recommended that you seek professional help. This includes either sex therapy, seeing a urologist or a combination of the two treatment modalities.

Our bodies are our own to learn, this is a process, remember to be kind to yourselves and your partners as you embark/continue on your sexual journey together.