In a typical situation of positive parenting, parents provide a stable foundation for their children. The physical and emotional support they offer allows children to develop self-confidence, enabling them to explore the world. When a child encounters emotionally overwhelming, frightening, or disappointing experiences, they return to their parents, who help them regulate their tension, soothe their pain, regain their sense of security, and venture back into the world to face its challenges.

When a parent is in distress (due to financial or health issues, concern for a relative in a war zone, etc.), this supportive cycle becomes more difficult to maintain, as the parent is less available to address the child’s distress. Moreover, the innate desire to shield the child from distress — based on the belief that “if they don’t know, it won’t hurt” — often proves to be an illusion and a double-edged sword.

When a parent is distressed, a cognitively and emotionally healthy child, regardless of age, is likely to pick up verbal and nonverbal cues from their environment, sensing that something troubling is happening. The child notices increased tension in the parent or expressions of anger and restlessness. Sometimes, this tension may even be directed at the child, manifesting as irritability, impatience, or emotional unavailability. The child also overhears snippets of adult conversations (angry words or intense exchanges behind closed doors) or receives information from friends or the media. The child pieces together this information as best they can, but the parent — who should help interpret and regulate the emotional intensity — is not always available for this role.

Attempts to protect the child often involve reassurances like “everything is fine,” but the child quickly understands that this is a topic not to be discussed, leaving them alone with deep anxiety and worry. This creates a sense that they cannot trust the information their parents provide — not only on this subject but in general. Sometimes, the child draws incorrect conclusions, such as blaming themselves for the tension or believing they are at fault. It is painful to see parents, who perceive themselves as protective and shielding their children from painful information, later hear their children say, “Did you really think we didn’t know?”

So What Can Be Done?

  1. Share Accurate Information Appropriately
    Share existing information honestly, in doses and with sensitivity appropriate to the child’s specific age and personality.
  2. Acknowledge and Validate Emotions
    Allow room for the variety of emotions that may arise. Avoid imposing specific feelings on the child, and let them reject or distance themselves from emotions we suggest, whether due to our misunderstanding or the emotions being too overwhelming. Some children may not want to hear when we’re ready to share, and it’s important to respect that as well.

Tailored Sharing:

  • Strengthens the child’s resilience by showing them that the parent respects and trusts their ability to cope.
  • Builds emotional closeness and trust in the parent’s guidance.
  • Helps the child understand previously unclear situations.
  • Enables the parent to listen to the child’s reactions and continue serving as a secure and stabilizing presence.
  1. Normalize Behaviors and Model Healthy Coping
    • When parents explain that they are more distracted, worried, or irritable due to the situation, the child understands that their own responses are normal. This is also an opportunity to clarify acceptable behavioral boundaries in extreme situations.
    • Apologize if the parent unintentionally hurts the child out of tension or stress.
  2. Teach the Child How to Process and Face Challenges
    • The goal is not always to calm the child (which isn’t always possible) but to accompany them in exploring their questions and emotions, helping them learn to regulate and not leaving them alone with their feelings.
    • Dare to ask difficult questions with the child, such as: “Why is this happening to us?” “What will happen?” “Can someone die?” “What will happen to us if…?” or “Why does God allow such things to happen?”
    • Allow space for anger, frustration, and helplessness without rushing to soothe. The ability to articulate emotions and experiences in words helps with emotional regulation.

Examples of Engagement:

  • Ask questions or express feelings yourself to help the child relate, leaving room for them to agree or disagree. For example: “Sometimes I wonder why this happened to Dad. I even get angry at him for being so brave. Do you ever feel something like that?”
  • Help the child explore ways to handle emotions and questions by offering a range of options, allowing them to choose what suits them best:
    • Reflecting on past challenges and discussing what helped (e.g., physical activity, rest, gaining information, emotional sharing, disconnecting temporarily, connecting to faith and values, seeking friends’ support, or solitude).
    • Looking at stories from the Torah and imagining how our forefathers, mothers, and historical leaders coped with difficulties, giving challenges an ethical or spiritual meaning.
    • Emphasizing faith in a bigger picture and the idea that “everything happens for a reason,” which can foster resilience in challenging times.
  1. Expose the Child to Regular Coping Strategies
    By involving the child in everyday challenges, you contribute to their ability to handle more difficult situations in the future.
  2. Do Your Best, and Trust in Divine Support
    Ultimately, we do our part to the best of our ability, trusting in God’s help and guidance.

Chaim Weiss, Senior Educational Psychologist and Certified CBT Therapist. Specializes in therapy for children, young adults, parents, and educational staff.
Contact: 054-6227162