It seems the world today encourages us to listen to our bodies and pay attention to what we feel. Nowadays, instead of encouraging kids to finish their plates, parents are advised to ask their children if they feel full, and when they are, to stop eating. We’re encouraged to understand what’s going on in our bodies and be attuned to it, to be self-aware in our environment and act accordingly. This seems to be the direction things are taking in many areas of life –  some for the better and some for the worse.

The idea of a “mikveh experience” – beyond the technical immersion itself – has come to the fore in the last few years both in social media and women’s own, internal thoughts. Rather than a monthly occurrence that is either repressed or very technical, a lot of women want to practice this mitzvah in a positive and meaningful way.

As I’m currently taking part in the Eden Center’s Kallah Teacher training program, I tried to think about how I could prepare my kallot to have a positive and meaningful experience. This is borne of discussions with many women who are looking to avoid traumatic experiences, and prevent any negative situations. But is it possible to make it more than just not negative?

I published several posts on Facebook asking, “how do you make your mikveh experience more positive and meaningful?” Many women responded, which shows how much thought surrounds this topic. Thank you to everyone who responded! Here are a variety of answers I got:

  1. In the most basic and technical sense, take care of the following:
    1. A mikveh close to home with good parking
    2. A well maintained and clean mikveh, with good heating during the winter
  2. In the deeper technical sense:
    1. Think what you would like from a mikveh attendant (balanit), and look for a mikveh with kind and attentive attendants who respect patrons’ requests.
    2. Make sure to create a calm environment and be available on your mikveh day  for all the preparation you need for the mikveh (or do the prep the day before if that will help). Hire a babysitter if necessary.
    3. Involve your partner in doing something for the evening (making a meal, writing you “notes”, flowers or anything that brings you joy).
    4. Get into the headspace of getting ready for a date with your partner.
  3. A big challenge in this area is the lack of control and choice – the emotional place of doing things that a woman is uncomfortable with but has no choice about. That adds a layer of difficulty. Hence the understanding that we must introduce as much choice as possible into this experience and thereby enter the process as active participants –  out of choice. This can be expressed in several ways: 
    • Picking the time and setting of tevilla that suits me best, choosing where to immerse, where to get ready, what I want from the attendant (or do I want to immerse without a balanit), what is my partner’s role on mikveh night, etc.
  4. Remember that we are taking part in something greater than ourselves, that is important to us and we believe in. We are part of a set of values and weltanschauung. This is true even if we are uncomfortable with some of the aspects, and are sometimes required to do things that we don’t enjoy. For the overarching values we hold, we need to create emotional space for this, even if it impinges on our personal space. In essence, our marriage is a covenant between two souls, but the blessing we say is “He who sanctifies the people of Israel” (“mekadesh amo yisrael”), not “me and my spouse”.
  5. From this place we can see that there is blessing in the mitzvah of tevilla as something that is greater than us, and the understanding that our actions are part of something deeper and spiritual.
  6. On the other hand, some may prefer that approach of saying that this is a mitzvah, like many other mitzvot (that have value as part of the system) and that’s all. Many times the extensive preparation that is done for the mitzvah of taharat hamishpacha causes frustration and shame for women who do not experience the mitzvah that way.

And like with anything else, each woman should take the approach that suits her, that is right for her and will help her.

Parallel to these ideas, it’s important to normalize the fact that mikveh immersion is difficult for many women, and that’s ok and makes sense. It requires a lot of preparation and vulnerability.

From this place I would try to think to myself, what about mikveh causes me reluctance? And in the case of a married woman who is already immersing and recognizes that the experience is uncomfortable for her – why is it not pleasant for me? Have I undergone a change recently (birth, miscarriage, lost weight, gained weight, etc.) and checking my body in the mirror makes me uncomfortable? Am I uncomfortable that this burden falls on me and my husband doesn’t take part in it? Are the many internal checks (bedikot) causing me pain and grief?

And from that, try to think and reflect deeply, because these things come from deep inside and the mikveh is just a trigger that raises them to the surface. 

As a matter of fact, try to take the entire mikveh experience and everything surrounding it, the internal checks (in both meanings), the vulnerability and of course the renewed connection and touch with your partner. Where do these take me? 

What does this mean to me? And maybe from this we will learn new things about ourselves, we will improve ourselves and also advance our marital relationship.

The call here is very broad and demanding. Who wants to delve into these deep matters specifically during such a sensitive time of the month? Every woman should find the time that works for her. For some, the time of tevilla, with its heightened sensitivity, is the right time to start this discussion, and for others, it’s better at a more neutral time.

As I started with, nowadays we need to be more attuned to our bodies and emotions.

Have a wonderful tevilla.

And hopefully a meaningful one.