When our children decide that they have found the person with whom they want to share the rest of their lives, they enter an exciting new stage of life. While this is the most significant step in their moving to independence outside of their parental home, there are still areas in which parents should help prepare their children for this momentous change. One area in which parents might involve themselves is in the process of finding the right chatan and/or kallah teacher. 

While our children often take care of this themselves, you might also choose to do some research. Young people are not always aware of the important role that a chatan or kallah teacher might play in their sexual lives. Most engaged couples will be uncomfortable having their parents talk to them about sexuality and therefore their central source of information both with regards to what is permitted and what is forbidden, as well as the mechanics of sexual intimacy, will be in the hands of their teachers. 

Many chatan and kallah teachers do not provide enough information with regard to sexuality and focus mainly on the halakhot. I suggest that parents help their children research the approach a teacher offers, as well as the level of detail, perhaps even asking a potential teacher some pointed questions, in order to ensure that their children are well prepared for this important aspect of married life. 

In addition, while the issue is neutral, parents should be sure to discuss the fact that some couples do face sexual difficulties and help their children be aware of where they might go to for assistance if needed (i.e., a gynecologist, a counselor, a marital or sex therapist).

Questions to Ask a Chatan or Kallah Teacher

  • What do you teach about human sexuality in general?
  • What do you teach about the differences between the sexual responses of males and females and how that impacts on sexual intercourse?
  • Do you offer suggestions to help a couple deal with various sexual difficulties (for example, premature ejaculation)?
  • What do you teach about what is permitted and what is forbidden (for example, sexual positions, intercourse during the day)?

The question of parental role in preparing children for sexual intimacy is not clear and differs according to family dynamics and norms of conversations within the family. I think children are instinctively uncomfortable with the idea of their parents talking with them about sexual intimacy, but these feelings can be overcome. I have often heard sons talk of important conversations with their fathers close to their marriage that were significant and helpful as long as both father and son were comfortable with each other. 

When mothers feel they have important information to share that they do not think their daughters will hear elsewhere, they should certainly consider a little heart-to-heart conversation with their daughters. Both wanting and not wanting to talk to parents about these issues are common behaviors. When sharing information about sexuality, it is best to share it in a manner that is not personalized (your father and I) but rather impersonal (many people experience … that can be enhanced by …).

The role of parent is a role that is always changing. How we parent our five year old is very different from how we parent our fifteen year old. As our children become adults making adult decisions such as for example who to marry – it is difficult to know what we should be doing for and giving our children. Often our job is to step back and give them space to make their own choices and decisions. While that is true, there are still spaces which might be appropriate to insert ourselves. Encouraging them to find a Kallah or Chatan teacher who educates broadly about a sexual relationship, way beyond Halacha can be very helpful in setting our adult children on a good path to healthy intimacy and sexuality in their marriage. 

Dr. Yocheved Debow is Menahelet at Midreshet HaRova. Dr. Debow holds a BA in Psychology and Education, and an MA in Child Clinical and Educational Psychology. She received her doctorate in Education at Bar Ilan University as a presidential fellow. Dr. Debow studied Limmudei Kodesh at Michlalah, Jerusalem College for Women, is a world expert on sexuality education in the Orthodox Jewish world and brings that knowledge and education into many of her classes. She is beloved by her students and well known for her deeply caring commitment to them.