I have been married for almost four years. Before getting married, it was very important for me to find a kallah teacher who was most suitable for me—someone I could feel comfortable with, be open with, and share about myself. I wanted someone who was understanding and would teach me halacha to the fullest extent. It was very important that she provide the bottom line of what the halacha is, as well as the additional stringencies.
I did find that kallah teacher. I had a great experience, which made me excited about keeping taharat hamishpacha. I felt knowledgeable and empowered to own this mitzvah, which can sometimes be nerve-wracking and cause self-doubt. My kallah teacher created such a positive experience that shortly after I got married, I decided I wanted to become a kallah teacher myself. About a year ago, I felt prepared to begin that journey.
I went through the in-depth and meaningful training at the Eden Center and got certified this past year. So far, I have taught two kallot and am currently working with a few married women who want a refresher or are taking on this mitzvah for the first time in their marriage.
During the course, as I planned my own material, I realized there might have been another subconscious reason I wanted to become a kallah teacher. There were things about my own experience that rubbed me the wrong way or didn’t sit well with me. I wanted to do better for my kallot. I want to share those differences and explain how they affect my approach as a kallah teacher today.
1. Teaching halacha accurately
During the course, I learned that my kallah teacher didn’t always teach me the bottom line of halacha, even though I had requested it. Sometimes, she presented stringencies as if they were halacha or didn’t explain the different opinions and options for practice. I believe it’s important to be honest and trust my students to make informed decisions based on what works best for them and their communities, while understanding the halachic requirements.
2. Acknowledging the challenges of harchakot
I still remember my kallah teacher saying she “hates teaching harchakot” (behavior during niddah). I think it’s crucial to acknowledge that harchakot can be challenging and to provide examples of how people deal with them. I always discuss the five love languages, for instance, and suggest ways to connect during niddah. Hearing my teacher say she “hates” teaching this topic was frustrating. While kallah classes are personal and intimate, I believe opinions like that should stay out of the room to give a full picture of the mitzvah.
I make sure to teach harchakot as they are, listen to my students’ responses, and discuss ways to manage and define their relationship during this time of separation. Often, my students find harchakot make sense. They might question specific practices but not the concept as a whole.
3. Ending classes too abruptly My kallah classes ended abruptly. I learned with my kallah teacher over Zoom, which had its pros and cons, but once the time was up, that was it. I knew she had other students and projects, and it felt like I was bothering her by continuing. This left me with an unpleasant feeling, even though the classes themselves were helpful.
4. Lack of follow-up My kallah teacher didn’t follow up with me before or after my wedding. I was dealing with a lot at the time, and because of how our classes ended, I didn’t feel comfortable reaching out with questions. Looking back, a follow-up to check in, ask if I had questions, or offer encouragement would have been so meaningful. It would have also fixed the earlier issue of feeling like “just another client.”
This experience has shaped how I approach my students. I write down their mikveh and wedding dates and make a note in my calendar to check in 1–2 months later. Following up shows I care, even if they don’t have questions. It reassures them that I am available and want to help. While I charge for my classes, the relationship is equally important, and I aim to be there for my students if they need guidance.
I hope I’m creating a positive experience for my students and improving upon the way I was taught. My kallah teacher inspired me and gave me valuable tools that encouraged me to become a teacher. At the same time, she helped me see what I want to do better. I put thought into how I teach, carefully choose my words, and ensure my students know I care and am present to support them whenever they need.
Comments