The Challenges of Marriage in the Shadow of War

A strong and supportive relationship is one of the most important sources of resilience during times of crisis. A listening ear, physical touch, kind words, or even quiet presence from a partner provide emotional support, reduce stress, and create a sense of security. Knowing that there is someone who understands and accepts you as you are helps maintain stability. Couples learn to bridge gaps in their individual needs, and their different perspectives can help regulate emotions. Shared responsibility for decisions, managing the household, and handling daily challenges also contributes to coping with stress and crisis.

When war breaks out and each partner embarks on their own intense and demanding journey, this delicate balance may be disrupted. The husband may be called up for an extended and demanding military reserve duty, sometimes exposing him to life-threatening situations, distressing sights, and overwhelming experiences. Meanwhile, his wife must take full responsibility for managing the household, raising the children, and handling emergencies on her own. Even under normal circumstances, these tasks can be exhausting—but now, she must carry them alone, without the usual support from her spouse. Often, there is a societal expectation for her to be a "strong home front," yet the pressure to meet this expectation, combined with constant worry for her husband's safety, can be both physically and emotionally draining.

When the war ends, there is a common expectation that life will quickly return to normal, picking up exactly where it left off before deployment. However, this expectation does not always take into account the emotional impact of the war or the personal changes each partner has undergone as a result of their experiences. Confronting the changes in a spouse after war can be painful, unsettling, and even frightening.

It is important to remember that combat and war are powerful experiences that leave a deep impact on the soul and require time to process. Not every war story is one of heroism, and many soldiers feel great discomfort sharing certain events they experienced. The feeling of "no one who wasn't there will understand" can make it difficult for a husband to open up about his hardships, and sometimes he may even wish to protect his wife from the horrors he encountered. Additionally, transitioning from life-threatening situations back to everyday struggles—which may now seem trivial—can be challenging and requires patience.

The wife, too, is not the same person she was before the war. She has put in tremendous effort to maintain the family’s daily life, waiting for her husband’s return. But when he does come back, it can be disappointing if he does not immediately resume his previous responsibilities, instead seeming withdrawn or impatient with everyday matters.

Furthermore, some women feel a sense of pride in how they managed on their own, while others feel less confident in how they handled things during his absence. Some even discover that, in certain ways, managing alone was easier for them.

These complex emotions, now lacking the urgency and sense of purpose that war imposed, can create emotional distance and even strain the relationship. Recognizing these challenges and addressing them with patience, open communication, and mutual support is key to rebuilding a strong and healthy partnership.

Practical Steps for Coping and Rebuilding Together:

1. Listening and Mutual Recognition – Acknowledge that both partners have gone through a challenging period in their own way. It’s important to set aside time for sharing, listening, and recognizing each other's experiences without judgment—both the positive and empowering moments, as well as the difficult and painful ones. Above all, recognize the effort each partner has made according to their ability, even if the outcome wasn’t perfect. This should be an ongoing conversation, approached with patience, as perspectives on past experiences may evolve over time.
   

2. Recognizing Change – The couple is not returning to exactly where they left off, but rather to where they are now. Adjusting to these changes requires patience, time, and in some areas, a process of re-adaptation.
   

3. Expressing Personal Needs – Each partner should feel comfortable sharing what they need in order to reintegrate into everyday life—whether it’s rest, emotional support, or personal time to recover.
   

4. Maintaining Hope and Meaning – Strengthening shared values, hope, and a sense of purpose can help navigate the transition. If differences arise in values or life priorities, it’s important to acknowledge them and work together to find a way to reconnect with shared values in a flexible and open-minded way.
   

5. Seeking External Support – There is no need to hesitate in asking for support from family, friends, or professional resources. Seeking help can create space for quality time as a couple and strengthen the relationship.
   

6. Reconnecting Through Shared Activities – In addition to processing past experiences, it’s beneficial to return to enjoyable and bonding activities as a couple, such as going out together, traveling, or spending time as a family.
   

7. Strengthening Altruism and Personal Values – In cases of emotional or physical injury, it’s important to remember that both partners are navigating a challenging adjustment process. The values that guided them during the war are even more essential now, helping them accept and support each other, even in difficult moments. Faith and trust in God can also play a significant role in this journey.
   

8. Focusing on What Can Be Changed – While the past cannot be altered, it is possible to influence how partners respond to one another. It can be helpful to reflect together on what "sources of renewal" can provide strength in facing the current situation. One significant source of renewal is physical touch—gradual and sensitive to each partner's comfort level, exposure, and emotional state. In cases of physical injury, confronting and accepting the wounded area can be challenging. At the same time, the injured partner may have inner doubts, wondering, Am I still desirable? Gradual exposure, open conversations about the difficulties of giving and receiving touch, seeing the person beyond the injury, and recognizing their inner strength can help rebuild closeness. In this process, even an act as simple as going to the mikveh (ritual bath) at its designated time can serve as both an outward statement and an internal affirmation that strengthens the couple’s bond.
   

9. Internal Dialogue – It is important to remember that returning to routine, rebuilding intimacy, and finding joy in life do not contradict the memory of those lost or the pain of difficult experiences. These are two parallel paths that will always be intertwined.
   

10. Seeking Professional Support When Needed – If challenges persist or intensify, professional help is recommended. Support groups, couples therapy, and communities facing similar challenges can be valuable resources for processing experiences and finding tailored solutions.
    

11. Belief in Post-Traumatic Growth – A strong relationship can be an anchor in times of crisis, but it requires effort to maintain. With openness, active listening, mutual support, and a shared commitment to growth, healing is possible. 
    

We do our best, and with God’s help, we will find strength and resilience.

Chaim Weiss is a Senior Educational Psychologist and Certified CBT Therapist (recognized by ITA). He is also a specialist in therapy for children, young adults, parenting, and educational staff. He can be reach at 054-622-7162.