Navigating Reconnection In Your Marriage After Miluim

For the last year and a half, every Israeli—man, woman, and child—has been surrounded by difficult events, not by choice. These events continue to unfold, affecting each of us, no matter where we are or what we do. They shape our emotions, our behaviors, and the way we navigate daily life. Often, we don’t even realize the full extent of their impact. What makes this time particularly challenging is that there is no clear end in sight. Everything is ongoing. And within this reality, we try to function as if things are normal—when in fact, they are anything but.

Our children are learning words and behaviors they shouldn’t have to know. We are all experiencing things that should never be part of our lives. We are feeling emotions that may have once been foreign to us, yet now they have become our daily reality.

Many of us have spouses who have been called up for military service, serving long stretches of time on the front lines. Everyday life has been disrupted, leaving us with countless questions and few clear answers. Roles within the home have shifted dramatically. (For simplicity, I’ll refer to the wife as the one at home and the husband as the one in the army, though of course, it can be reversed.)

Wife is now managing everything—childcare, household responsibilities, work—on her own. Over time, she has adjusted to making decisions independently. In some ways, she may even feel a sense of relief in not having to check in with Husband. But at the same time, she deeply misses having a partner to share the load. The mix of emotions is complicated—pride in handling things alone, but also loneliness, exhaustion, and frustration.

And then, Husband returns home. What now? What has changed? How do they navigate the shift? What are his expectations? What are hers? Can they even communicate the way they used to? She has no real idea what he’s been through, and he probably doesn’t fully understand what she’s been through either.

But he’s home now. Everything is supposed to be okay—safe, normal. So why does it feel so hard?

Understanding Trauma and PTSD

To better navigate this, it helps to understand trauma and PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). A traumatic event is one that is extremely distressing, frightening, or overwhelming. Most of us have experienced distressing events in our lives—we feel them, process them, and eventually move forward. It’s normal to feel anxious, sad, or disoriented after something difficult, but typically, we recover naturally.

PTSD, however, is different. It is a mental health condition that occurs when a person is unable to move past a traumatic event, even after it has ended. Symptoms may include:

• Intrusive memories—flashbacks, nightmares, or distressing thoughts.

• Avoidance—keeping busy to avoid thinking about the event, or avoiding people, places, or situations that serve as reminders.

• Emotional numbness or mental fatigue—feeling detached, struggling with memory lapses, withdrawing from others, experiencing guilt, anger, or fear.

• Hyper-Vigilance or Over-Alertness—being easily startled, struggling with sleep, feeling on edge, or having sudden outbursts of anger.

  
  

For someone experiencing PTSD, the trauma doesn’t just exist in the past—it intrudes into the present, affecting daily life and relationships. And often, it’s not just the returning soldier who carries the weight of trauma. The wife at home has also experienced her own version of it—worry, loneliness, overwhelming responsibility, and sometimes even resentment.

How Do We Reconnect?

When Husband comes home, both partners are carrying unspoken burdens. They want to be a family again, but things have changed. The wife may be angry that he was gone for so long. The husband may feel like an outsider in his own home. The children may have adjusted to a new routine, one that doesn’t include him in the way it used to. The emotional distance can be daunting.

So how do we begin to rebuild?

1. Awareness and Presence

Both partners need to recognize that they have gone through different, but equally real, experiences. Being present for each other means acknowledging these differences without rushing to fix them. Instead of pressing for details, a simple “I’m here when you’re ready” can go a long way. Some soldiers don’t want to talk about what they’ve seen; others do. Either way, patience and space are key.

2. Communication

How well did you communicate before the war? How did you handle challenges together? Rebuilding communication is crucial. While there is often a focus on what the returning soldier has endured, the wife’s experience is just as important. Has she changed household routines to cope? Have the children developed new habits? When Husband returns, he might not understand—or agree with—these changes. If the children don’t immediately listen to him, it can be a painful blow to his confidence as a father. These tensions need to be addressed with patience and honesty.

3. The Challenge of Expressing Emotion

Initially, conversations might be surface-level—logistics, schedules, daily tasks. This can feel lonely, even isolating. For the soldier, military life is governed by structure and discipline—emotions are often pushed aside. If he is due to return to duty soon, he may be reluctant to open up, fearing that doing so will make it harder to function in the field.

The wife, meanwhile, has grown used to handling everything alone. She may have had limited adult interaction and may now be looking forward to reconnecting with her husband emotionally and physically. If those expectations aren’t met, she may feel hurt or rejected. But this isn’t about a failing marriage—it’s about transition. It takes time to adjust.

4. Physical and Emotional Reconnection

Intimacy can feel different after a long separation. If, before the war, mikvah night came with clear expectations, it may not feel that way now. A husband’s reluctance or emotional distance can be deeply painful for a wife who longs to reconnect. But rather than assuming the worst, it’s important to step back and ask: What does my partner need right now? Can we create space for closeness without pressure? A question like“I’d like to connect (physically). What are you ready for?” Or a simple “I’m here when you’re ready” can mean everything.

It Takes Time

Reintegration is a process. It’s not about flipping a switch back to “normal.” Each couple has their own pace. Emotions are fragile. Healing is gradual.

You are not alone. Be patient. Be respectful. Be sensitive.

And sometimes, words aren’t even necessary. A gentle touch, sitting together in silence, taking a walk, or simply being near one another can communicate more than words ever could.

Moving Forward Together

Life experiences change us, but there is no single “right” way to navigate them. Some helpful phrases to open conversation include:

• “I have something on my mind—when is a good time to talk?”

• “I know we’ve both been through a lot. Let’s take things slowly.”

• “I love you, and I want to figure this out together.”

The turmoil in Israel continues. We juggle the chaos, the uncertainty, the shifting emotions. It’s a dance—sometimes forward, sometimes back. We step on each other’s toes, but with time, we find our rhythm again.

And if the dance feels too difficult, reaching out for help—whether from a trusted friend, rabbi, therapist, or support group—is not a sign of weakness. It’s a step toward healing, together.

There are many organizations that offer support to chayalim and miluim families. One such organization is Tochnit Amit (תכנית עמית), which offers different services for soldiers, including individual therapy and couples therapy, workshops, sport, talk therapy, exercise, and more. You can find more information at https:/tochnitamit.mod.gov.il/.

Karen Goldberg, MSSW

Individual, Couple, and Family Therapist Specializing in Life Cycle, Life-Changing Events,  Women’s Issues, and Trauma. Karen can be reached at 052-835-9641 or email: KRNGOLDBERG@GMAIL.COM.