The ongoing war in Israel has transformed daily life in countless ways. While much attention has been given to the sacrifices made on the battlefield, the struggles on the home front are equally profound. Relationships—whether between spouses, engaged couples, or those just dating—have been deeply affected.
This blog explores three key areas of challenge that have emerged in the realm of Jewish family life due to the war: the observance of taharat haMishpacha (family purity) and mikveh use, strains on marital relationships, and the wider communal structures of support for couples. Rather than offering solutions, the goal is to illuminate the dilemmas many are facing and the halakhic and emotional complexities they entail.
1. Mikveh, Taharat HaMishpacha, and the Pressures of War
For observant couples, the laws of mikveh and taharat HaMishpacha provide structure to physical intimacy. However, these laws can become a significant source of tension during wartime.
One immediate question that arises is: Should a woman go to the mikveh on time if her husband is called up, or should she delay?
On one hand, the halakhic ideal is to immerse as soon as possible. There is value in restoring a state of tahara (ritual purity) even if her husband is not home. Moreover, should he return unexpectedly, it enables the possibility of physical affection – both sexual intimacy, and hugging or holding hands.
On the other hand, For many women, especially those with young children, the logistics of getting to the mikveh can feel daunting—even overwhelming. This was particularly true in the early weeks of the war, when rockets rained down, sirens blared, and many children were terrified to be left alone. The mental and emotional load of organizing immersion while single-handedly managing a household, juggling responsibilities, and ensuring the safety of their families became an almost insurmountable challenge.
Beyond the practical hurdles, many women questioned the purpose of going at all when their husbands were away, sometimes for weeks or months. Figuring out the details, having time to prepare, being out at night when everyone is home, and adding yet another obligation to an already full plate. For some, the effort felt futile, even burdensome, knowing their husbands wouldn’t be returning any time soon.
Yet amidst these challenges, many couples were met with an unexpected reality: the military’s recognition of the significance of mikveh night. Soldiers and their spouses learned a new term—"Yom HaMikveh"—a policy that, when feasible, allows a soldier to return home for the night when his wife immerses in the mikveh. For many, this small but powerful allowance provided not only a rare moment of intimacy but also a profound validation of the emotional and spiritual importance.
For women soldiers on active duty, the situation is even more complicated. How does a woman serving on the front find a mikveh? Can she go during the day? Is immersion allowed when she has 3-month old, chipped gel nail polish or battlefield grime, normally considered as halakhic barriers (chatzitzot)? These practical challenges have rarely been addressed before.
Another emotionally charged issue is the question of physical affection between spouses when one is about to leave for combat and the wife is in niddah. Some couples have expressed that they will not touch and would feel deep guilt for hugging during niddah, while others choose to hug rather than carry regret not giving a final embrace were their spouse to be killed in action. In this very difficult and emotionally fraught issue, certain halakhic authorities differentiate between sexual touch and comforting touch, allowing a brief, supportive hug when parting for war, so long as the couple are fully clothed and in public view (not in the bedroom). But each couple must navigate this delicate decision with their own conscience and halakhic guidance.
Others attempt to circumvent the issue entirely by using hormonal contraception to avoid becoming niddah, ensuring they are available whenever their husband returns. This raises complex questions: Should women subject their bodies to long-term hormonal suppression to maximize the possibility of physical intimacy? While avoiding niddah is halakhically permissible, what are the emotional and physical costs? This dilemma highlights the tension between traditional Jewish law and the realities of modern life.
2. Strain on Marriages: When War Disrupts Intimacy
War places immense pressure on relationships. The nature of marriage changes when one partner is deployed, and the other is left to manage home and children alone. Even when soldiers return home, there is no guarantee that spouses will be emotionally or physically in sync.
One common challenge is the emotional transition from warzone to home life. For many men, coming home for a short visit (an “after”) is disorienting—they are still mentally in combat mode. Their wives, meanwhile, have been holding down the fort alone. The wife may desperately need a break from household tasks and childcare, while the husband, having just come from the battlefield, may also need his space or feel disconnected from domestic concerns. This can create resentment on both sides.
For some, the emotional shift is so intense that they prefer not to see each other, rather than feel the tease of a short visit. There have been cases where wives have asked their husbands not to come home during short breaks, finding the abrupt transitions too painful.
Sexual intimacy can also become fraught. Many couples struggle to reconnect physically after weeks or months apart. Some women feel obligated to be sexually available as soon as their husbands return, even if they are emotionally unready. Others find that their husbands are the ones withdrawing, either because of physical exhaustion, trauma, or a loss of connection to everyday life.
In cases of evacuees (mifunim) living out of their homes for many months, intimacy also becomes a challenge. Families displaced from their homes often live in hotel rooms, surrounded by extended family or other evacuees. In such conditions, privacy is nonexistent, and physical intimacy is sidelined for an indefinite period.
Even beyond direct disruptions, the war has heightened stress and tension in relationships overall. Divorce rates have surged over the past year, reflecting the emotional toll on families. When one or both partners are experiencing PTSD, communication and connection become even more challenging.
3. Broader Issues of War on Relationships and their Associated Halakhic Dilemmas
The war has raised a plethora of other questions for couples and families in Israel.
When a soldier dies, the mourning process affects a range of family members. While it is clear that spouses, parents, and children of the deceased will be impacted, we often overlook how coping with the grief of loss will affect siblings and even fiancés. Along with the heartbreak of losing a loved one, shiva can be even more emotionally difficult when a woman is in niddah, making it complicated for couples to give each other emotional support through a hug or by holding hands. Moreover, widows sometimes describe feeling as though they had a double loss – not only have they lost of their loved one, but they will no longer have the mitzvah of mikveh as a regular part of their life.
For engaged couples, the question of whether a wedding should be delayed if one partner is about to be deployed often arises? Early in the war, many couples postponed weddings, but now more couples are choosing to move forward despite the uncertainty. Halakhically, delaying can prevent potential cases of aginut (wives left in limbo if a husband goes missing in action), but at the same time, getting married under such conditions carries its own emotional weight and can give hope in overcoming the challenges.
The issue of soldiers signing a preemptive halakhic agreement to initiate a divorce (harsha’ah l’matan get) in cases where the soldier is missing or mentally incapacitated has also resurfaced. This document ensures that after a specified amount of time (such as 1.5 years in the version put forward by Yad LaIsha) if a soldier’s whereabouts are undetermined or they were injured in a way that has left them incurably mentally debilitated, his wife is not left in permanent limbo. Some rabbinic authorities oppose it, fearing it damages morale, while others argue that it provides peace of mind for soldiers and their families.
Another looming concern is the impact of war injuries—both physical and psychological—on future relationships. Many soldiers have suffered severe injuries, including those affecting sexual and reproductive health. How will this affect their ability to marry and have children? PTSD, too, profoundly affects intimacy and emotional connection, requiring long-term support that many couples may not yet anticipate.
Moving Forward Together
These are just some of the many challenges that have emerged as a result of war. They highlight the intersection between halakha, personal relationships, and the shifting realities of life in Israel.
In moments of crisis, communities must rally to support couples navigating these dilemmas. From halakhic discussions to emotional counseling, from recognizing the need for personal space to providing practical guidance, addressing these issues requires sensitivity, wisdom, and compassion.
The battlefield may be far from home, but the impact of war is felt in every Jewish household. As we continue to grapple with these realities, let us ensure that support systems—both halakhic and emotional—are in place to help couples weather these storms together. And may we see a speedy return of all the remaining hostages still in captivity and healing for all!
Dr. Naomi Marmon Grumet is the Founder and Executive Director of The Eden Center. You can reach her at naomi@theEdenCenter.com.
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