A Journey of Love, Connection, and Lessons Learned
Thirty years ago, I married my husband, Ian. It was an exciting time to be engaged. As a 21-year-old kallah (bride), I attended lessons to prepare for marriage and to learn about observing the laws of niddah and the mitzvah of mikveh. I knew nothing about these practices—it was all new to me. My teacher was wonderful, guiding me not only through the "what, when, and how" of mikveh observance but also on bringing romance, communication, and non-physical intimacy into our relationship.
I looked forward to each lesson with a positive attitude, embracing this new chapter of our lives with excitement. At the same time, Ian was learning with my teacher’s husband about how to observe this mitzvah together.
We were taught that this mitzvah was ours to share—a way to nurture our relationship on every level. Rather than creating distance, mikveh observance was presented as something that would bring us closer. More than simply adhering to halakha (Jewish law), we gained a deeper sense of intimacy and connection. We learned to appreciate and love the mitzvah of mikveh, a perspective I still cherish 30 years later.
The Mixed Emotions Around Mikveh
Over the years, I’ve had conversations with friends who expressed mixed feelings about mikveh. Their responses generally fell into four categories:
Connection: Some loved the experience and felt spiritually uplifted by it.
Neutrality: Others viewed it as just a practical step, a means to an end.
Stress: Some found it stressful, particularly the preparation or post-mikveh expectations, which triggered OCD tendencies in some cases.
Avoidance: A few avoided it altogether, often prolonging contraception to sidestep the mitzvah.
I’ve always fallen into the first category. Each month, I embraced the new phase of our relationship as my cycle began, looking forward to reconnecting with excitement during mikveh time.
Creating Meaningful Mikveh Nights
For us, mikveh night was a special event. Each time I prepared for Ian, he prepared for me as well. He would often shower and create a welcoming environment, complete with candles and Baileys—my favorite.
We were also taught the value of tzniut (modesty) in observing this mitzvah, keeping our preparations and activities private. This often involved sneaking out with vague excuses to our kids, which added an air of secrecy that enhanced the experience for us. But through the eyes of our daughters, this secrecy created a sense that the mitzvah simply didn’t exist.
Mikveh Through Life’s Stages
Mikveh became a source of spirituality and connection for me through different stages of life. I prayed for conception, went during the ninth month of pregnancy to pray for a healthy birth, and returned afterward filled with gratitude. Even while on vacation, hunting for a local mikveh made the experience even more meaningful.
A Wake-Up Call From Our Daughters
A few years ago, the topic of mikveh came up with our young adult daughters. To our shock, one turned to me during a Shabbat meal and exclaimed, “What?! You go to the mikveh??” Her disbelief left me stunned. “Of course I do!” I replied, equally astonished.
That moment was a wake-up call. Our commitment to tzniut had been so strong that our daughters, who lived with us, didn’t even realize mikveh was part of our lives. Ian and I realized we had missed an opportunity to share this treasured mitzvah.
Opening the Conversation
Ian and I decided it was time for a family meeting. When we called one, the first thing our daughters asked was, “Are you pregnant?” Laughing, I said, “Not quite!” We then discreetly “spilled the beans” about our mikveh observance.
Together, we shared how this mitzvah has nurtured our relationship and brought us closer over the years. It was important for me that Ian was part of this conversation, as mikveh observance is not just for women—it’s a couple’s mitzvah.
The discussion turned into a bonding experience with our daughters, and we were able to pass on the importance and beauty of mikveh.
Looking Ahead
I’m not sure how or when this conversation should happen for every family, but I know it’s worth thinking about. Reflecting on our experience, I encourage others to consider when and how to communicate with their children about this precious mitzvah. Sharing the beauty of mikveh can help ensure it remains cherished for generations to come.
Devorah Kur is the author of ‘Man’s Search for Healing,’ which explores the interconnectedness of the mind, body, and soul, highlighting the importance of finding meaning in this relationship. It is geared for medical clinicians, alternative health practitioners, patients, and caregivers, offering tools to move beyond traditional medicine and actively contribute to their own healing process. The book focuses on the body’s natural ability to heal, discussing Logotherapy’s approach to finding meaning in healing and Somatic Experiencing for addressing trauma and life’s challenges. Topics covered include the mind-body connection, the impact of unresolved issues on health, the difference between healing and curing, the nature of illness, forgiveness, post-traumatic growth, and more.
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